sonofagun

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
3. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
4. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
5. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
6. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
8. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
9. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
10. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
11. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
12. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
13. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
14. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
15. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."